Dinosaur
M. Leal

I phone Andrew.
"You need to come over."
Andrew says, "I can't right now, Catherine has me washing the dishes." I'm irritated, I've always disliked Catherine. I don't do dialogue, and I suck at this. I phone Susan. Who hasn't spoken to me in a year.
"Susan, don't hang up."
*click*
I phone back and say, "Just hear me out, before you hang up." A huge misunderstanding, about who means what to whom. She says I have exactly one minute.
"I think I've found a dinosaur bone in my backyard."
*click*
I need more coffee.

Picnic

We had a company picnic. I don't do picnics. As much as I like nature, I don't want it in my food. I don't eat food that other people prepare, unless it burns in the oven for half an hour. I then look for a place to plant myself for the afternoon - upright, you understand, I ain't touching nothing. But there isn't a bloody square cm that's not littered with cigarette stubs, bottle tops, bottles, ear buds, dirty tissues, pieces of spark plugs and what could pass for partially decomposed condoms. On top of which the trees keep spitting something on me, I could smell the toilets from half a km away (please, PLEASE let it be the toilets and not the grass I'm standing on), and dodgy people try to score food off me. Then my FABULOUS boss waltzes along and tells me how much money they're making off me - no "thanks for doing the proposal at last minute", or "we'll give you a bonus big enough to redo your whole house."
Ok, this is obviously missing a punch line.
I did nothing; stood there taking abuse from my almost-drunk boss, telling me how I should invest my money, how I should work hard for the UK as it's a LOT of money for the company, and how I made the right choice to buy inside the highways. Yes, inside not outside... just sideways. It's good, because your traffic is much less. Yay. I'm going to grab coffee and down calmettes before I slit my wrists.
Ok, so I can categorically state that calmettes aren't anywhere close to dope.

I left, without eating, without using the loo since 10:00 that morning, in the middle of a thunderstorm, and feeling very sorry for myself. There was more thunder inside the car than outside, I'll tell you that. I was angry. No, I felt nothing. I wanted to quit. But I have a bond. I don't want to give it back. I don't want to move in with my mom.