More blah blah blah
or
What I Did On my Weekend
by nobody important

don't read this its just stream of consciousness to increase my google ranking

i said don't read this.
friday was my second day at a really tough job. being thrown in to the deep end in a major financial institution is quite nerve racking, strange people who walk up to you and call you "stephen" because that's who always sits there, rush-mumble a few things about overweigth stock updates and rush off (real egos here, these financial guys think they run the world) leaving you with lots and lots of ??? before the deadline of 40 minutes. but it all worked out thanks to a little help from a few Nice People.
Nice People are hard to find. you don't really get them these days, everyone seems to be caught up in their own grandeur that they have little time for lesser beings.
so i got through the day, exhausted, because the previous two nights didn't bring much sleep... part of me doesn't care about jobs and responsibility and making good impressions, and part of me knows this is all that matters to most people.

i don't like to always be on my guard, always careful to say the right thing, one word out of line and suddenly you're toast. i don't like to be told that 'any day now' i may or may not want to speak to you again. i don't like being told to shhh in case someone on the other end of the line hears your voice and embarasses me because the truth is you're embarassing to me. you're not rich enough or good looking enough or you don't talk enough to be worthy of me. there is a list of things that don't matter at all because they're silly superficial things but if you fail any one of them at any time i don't want to speak to you.

friday night was pretty cool. spent the night with a woman i know, who i may or may not be having a relationship with - she hasn't decided yet - but i think she will go for rich good looking guy rather, because that's how carbon copy land is. people trying to be other people. everyone wants to be their neighbour, and not themselves. even if their neighbours are miserable, they're thinner, more exciting. it doesn't matter of they're good or bad people, what matters is they appear to be successful, and that is more important than being somebody.
but the night was cool. well me and woman x made love, and the touching is electric, because i have learned to see with my fingers, and sense electricity and nerve endings cause i used to play guitar a lot and now i paint very fine detailed stuff. but the lovemaking was awkward, uncomfortable... i struggle to get turned on by woman x. there is something masculine about her, but more importantly something that is temporary. i can't get turned on by temporary, knowing i could say the wrong thing and it would be over. temporary is a waste of time, time flies by too quickly.

i know a lot of useless information. i know this because i kick ass at 30 seconds, a board game about useless information. if only i had spent some of that time gathering useless information discovering something i could actually use... mmm i wonder maybe i would have found someone to love by now. 30 seconds is the only thing i kick ass at. i suck at relationships. maybe 30 seconds is all i'll ever get. love me for 30 seconds now go home.

see i don't own a car. cars are a filthy habit and i quit mine long ago. i also quit smoking, drinking, and eating meat. filthy,selfish habits all that benefit no one. but people judge you on your car, especially women. i love cars, i love mazeratis, and ferraris, and eigon sx3 limited production models. but this woman loves porsches, and she wants a guy who drives one. it matters to her. it really does. so why do i bother/ i mean why not just not think about her or talk about her/ i shouldn't complain if she's too much maintenance, or she's too much baggage, or she's too demanding or bossy or masculine.
well i can only take so much arrogance and then i zone out. just not prepared to listen any more because that would mean i would dislike the person and , well ok that would make me look like the bad person and i would be, a hippocrite, because i have lists of things too. like having respect for others feelings, not dominating the conversation all the time and not being condescending. so do i bother/ i don't know. there are moments... brief flashes ... of something good there. and putting up with a lot of shit is sometimes worth those little flashes of something real.

saturday was ok. i took her and her friend's kids to movies. movies always contain a message for me, and its so obvious now that even the names are relevant. i like that, but no one believes me. movies are the new church. if you ever go to the movies with me you will see your own life played before your eyes, and advice on your problems. really, try it.
i always know a relationship will end because i always end up paying for everything, or i always lend a book or something, and never get it back. i don't know why it happens that way it just always does. kind of sucks. a lot. its my own fault. nice guys really do finish last, fat egotistical assholes with fat egotistical cars always finish first. well i like the scenic route and hiking the beautiful way. i'll get to the finish line on my own time. love is high when life is low. love is low when life is high. it would have been nice to explore it with someone i could talk to, and touch.

i had a flash about the theory of magnetic and electric dissonance... something that could really tie up general relativity. i have to work on that formula, could have major implications. for one thing it proves time distortion is a result of accelation of atomic mass, and is not a real phenomenon. it also solves gravity. i'm excited.
i also finished the portrait of lina cavalieri. and started a new one, a more detailed piece with about 700 pearls, a full flowing dress and a detailed background.

anyway, i took them for pizza and a movie. and got loaded off at home on the way back. i wasn't asked, just told. its always like that. as soon as i start to put my heart into something it gets tricked and i get tripped. i think god is laughing at me right now. its a good joke.

now the smss contain no effort, no emotion. its just a mild inconvenience to her i know. eventually i will be ignored completely, because women do that. they don't talk, they just ignore you hoping you will go away without too much effort.
women talk a lot. they expect men to talk a lot, which is very unnatural. talking ruins the thought process and you end up spouting yards and yards of nonsense. i like to think before i talk. apparently this is a bad thing.
so guys who talk a lot of crap and bully and dominate and have no respect are the ones who are desirable it seems. not really a place i want to be. i can't compromise my values 9meager though they are0 ... so from now on i paint. that's all i do. relationships are pointless, you put all of yourself in them and they get chucked in your face. yes i'm bitter but the dark brooding artist in me likes bitter chocolate as sweet. its something to paint about.

enough blah blah, lots more happened on the weekend. i could talk for hours, only no one wants to listen when i want to talk, i keep getting interrupted and talked over.
i don't think i could ever be a gay man, i just like female anatomy too much, but i'm starting to dislike women. there is something selfish there that is horrible to be around, draining. i don't think there is a woman who is nice anymore. i think there are too many alternatives, nothing is worth committing to. committing to ones self is a choice. you have to be true to yourself, which means to exist in your own body and live with it.
for me that isn't a blessing.