| One
Cult to Rule Them All
Your cult will tell you that it is the only real cult, that all other
cults are anti-cult and must be converted to your cult.
The CEO
Your cult will claim to worship a Company Creator (cc), but they will
tell you instead to worship the board, the Creator's Executive Officer
(CEO), because it says so in the cult User Manual.
There may be other characters involved that you need to worship, anyone
you're sympathetic to, like the CEO's mother. Just not The Creator directly,
he's in a meeting. The Creator will get the message via regulated trickle-up
channels, don't worry.
Your cult
will demand that you accept the cult CEO as your boss. He's not around
anymore, having been promoted, but he created everything and knows if
you've been good or bad, just like Santa Claus. His eyes are everywhere.
You are his eyes and ears, unless you are blind or deaf. You will never
see him, he's very mysterious and magical. But you know he's there.
Look behind you.
Earthly
Things - Up the Assets
Your cult will worship earthly things.
Your cult likes profits.
They will elect one human as being the guy (always a guy) who, with
his magical mind powers, Created the Universe. Worship him! He's Jolly
Good! In just 7 days he can make you, man!
Your cult will have a symbol that you worship. Usually in the form of
a historical weapon, like a short-sword. It is Magical. Wear one.
Your cult will have a book that you worship and see as Holy and Magically
Powerful.
In this earthly manual that you worship, it tells you that to worship
anything earthly is Bad, confusing you, making you vulnerable to coercion.
Your cult will control money. The more you give them the happier they
are with you. If they are happy enough you will get promoted by the
CEO when you stop working.
Don't work and you will get Fired.
But you should not have your own money. Money is for cult board members
and management only. Give your earthly things to the cult. And work
hard at your job so that you can give more to the cult. Workworkwork,
generate cash, that's what you were made to do. You are a money-making
machine. A cult dairy-cow. Moo!
Follow the money trail of your cult. Where does the money go?
You Owe
Us Everything - Deep in Debt
Your cult will tell you that everything you are is because of them.
You are required to pay your cult money.
Sometimes money is asked for, sometimes a little container is passed
around by beady eyed women who frown if you don't put something in.
Sometimes there's a number you can call, have your credit card handy.
But Wait, There's More.
The more money you give, the better person you are, the more your cult
will respect you.
Unnatural Control
Your cult will control your desires: Food, Sex, Companionship, Entertainment.
Having sex with a non-cult person is a no-no.
Only people from your cult should be privy to your squishy bits, preferably
those people who are in charge of the cult.
Any baby that has not been 'cleaned' by a certified cult member is a
bad baby. Remember to pay your cult baby cleaner in cash.
When you reach your reproductive stage your cult will certify you.
It is important to keep your mind off reproduction during your reproductive
stage, as reproduction, unless certified by the cult, could cause you
to spend what little cash you have on things uncult.
Any entertainment outside the cult building is frowned on. Any enjoyment
that is not cult-originated is not completely good, and the cult can
not benefit from it financially.
Music that you like outside the cult is anti-cult. It is not cult-like
to listen to any idea that is not about the cult or the CEO.
Your cult is a closed loop. To doubt your cult is anti-cult. To question
your cult it anti-cult, and will result in your family getting punished
by the CEO.
Love them, hate their cult.
It is your duty to report anything that is anti-cult to the cult building
administration department.
Such as: people who think nature is beautiful, or that things change
over time.
Or things like mental telepathy and playing with numbers, which are
very anti-cult.
If these things are found then your cult says you should communicate
to the CEO with mental telepathy, preferably on a fortuitous day marked
as number 7, asking him to convert the offensive individual to your
cult, so that you can diffuse his anti-competitive nature.
Maybe the cult will send out a few nice sales representatives to talk
at the individual.
A Time
to Market
Historically your cult will have sent out sales reps to unwilling buyers.
Usually with big weapons strapped to their thighs. Nowadays cult-leaders
use even bigger weapons strapped to rockets.
This is called loss-lead marketing.
Fear Factor
- Hostile Takeover
Woe betide any living organism that is not part of your cult!
There are creatures from other cults who want to talk to you. Tell you
things about 'Science' and 'History'.
Destroy them all, your cult will tell you. Burn them. Burn their books.
Books are anti-cult promotional items. The only thing that is important
is you and your cult, the Universe belongs to you. It revolves around
you, your CEO made it for you - hate and destroy everyone who says differently.
Your cult will have a violent history. This puts fear into you. You
don't want to end up like those others who didn't believe enough in
your cult, do you?
Your cult top-leaders have big, big scary bombs and guns. Don't fuck
with them.
Cult members are very afraid of people that don't look and act like
them. Any race that does not support your cult is a bad one.
The colour of your CEO's skin will change, depending on the country
he is worshipped from.
Your cult does not like people that think too much or are too well educated.
Your cult's prior members travelled the world converting everyone to
your cult, killing those that refused.
This is called a Hostile Takeover.
Retirement
benefits - The Afterlife
Your cult will claim to control the afterlife. Only if you
attend regular meetings will you get promoted. If you don't attend you
will be sent to the basement when you stop working, where there is no
aircon.
If you don't work you will get Fired.
Your cult knows everything about the afterlife, they have physical evidence
to prove that it exists - like drawings and books, written by people
from the cult.
Your cult's afterlife is a magical place, just like earth, except people
dress in skimpy outfits, like oversized swimsuits.
You will only get there if you pay the cult your subscription. It is
important to devote your entire life to promoting your cult, so that
when you are promoted you will get a nice office.
This makes the cult grow, just like pyramid-scheme marketing.
Subtly
Away from a Creator
Your cult will steer you away from a Creator without you realising
it. You will worship earthly people, buildings, things, ideas, thinking
that they are a Creator. Your cult will get you to call the Creator
by other names, or by any name.
Your cult will elect a human being as a Creator, a real human who had a sad
story, because humans are sometimes sad creatures and are most coercible
when they are sad and hear sad stories.
Before you know it you will be worshipping this poor guy as if he was
the Creator of Everything, giving your money to your cult leaders to
help them be happy - buy better cars, houses, holidays, weapons, etc.
You want this poor sad guy to be happy.
The User
Manual
Every cult has a manual on how to be a good cultist. You must own a
manual (manual sales are absolutely not for profit, bulk discounts available)
to fully understand the amazing benefits you will get.
Your cult will tell you that your manual is the exact transcript of
the Company Creator, in proper Latin English, that it is perfect and
true in every way.
Your manual contains many amazing facts, all 100% absolutely true, proven
and certified by leading doctors (of Philosophy) in the field of occultism.
Your book will tell you about the true origins of your existence, how
you owe everything to the cult, that the only thing worth knowing is
what's in the manual; everything else is from other cults who want to
destroy your cult and thus you.
Your cult manual will be full of : sex, violence, murder, rape, revenge...
just to keep you interested and to make the manual look big and important.
In the print and marketing arena this is called 'bulking'.
The names of people in the cult manual may change to suit the target
market. You wouldn't want them to sound foreign, would you? Foreigners
are unknown!
You will be told
that only certain parts of the manual must be taken seriously, some
parts are just for entertainment. Which part must be taken seriously
is up to the cult authorities, or those with loud voices at cult meetings
and seminars.
Same parts of the new edition of the manual may have been left out because
your cult decided they weren't quite what a Creator really meant, surely.
Your cult will
prove their divine and magical leadership by saying "It says so
in this manual, look, in the back, after the bit in the middle with
the glue, in the different language."
Your manual will change over time, reflecting changes in society. With
every new edition the characters in the manual will become more holy
and more powerful, even if their origins were quite humble. Your manual
will be edited by your cult-leaders, to improve the understanding by
you, the target market, and to align it with consumer expectations as
they become common evidence, like the world no longer being flat.
Your cult will have loads of supporting documentation written by cult
leaders and followers, proving that the facts in the manual are correct,
because it says so in the manual. ( Most supporting cult documentation
references your cult manual at least once every sentence. No other proof
is necessary or available. )
Magical Miracles
Your cult will be full of magic / miracles. There are wondrous benefits
from belonging to your cult, like curing strange mental diseases! And
getting magical rain after a drought! ... or magical drought after rain!
Limb regrowth is not possible - it is not your elected Creator's duty
to grow limbs or change the world immediately. Anything that can be
proved or seen cannot be healed or changed with magic or miracles, because
that is beyond the scope of your manual.
Although, if something turns out good it must have been done by the
hand of your CEO. Anything bad must have been by other influences from
other cults.
But, your cult
will tell you, if you Truly Believe™ it may be possible to have
visible results in just a few days. But(again) only a few people are
good enough to receive a special bonus from the cult's CEO. Like Jenny
from Milwaukee who lost 12kg in 3 weeks because she went to the the
cult building and used her mental telepathy powers to communcate with
the CEO, asking him to magically vanish her weight.
It worked! Although Jenny regained her weight, but only because other
cults were using their powers to bring her down.
The medical records are not available as they were stolen by anti-cult
members.
It is not possible for your CEO to cure the world's ails because the
other cults are trying to destroy the world.
Your cult CEO will not fix anything because that is not his job. He
could if he wanted to, he's so big and strong he can do anything, but
he doesn't want to right now.
Good, Bad
and Ugly
Your cult will tell you that everything good is because of
them, that everything bad is because of other cults, you are not clever
enough to judge the difference unless they tell you.
Your cult controls
what is good or bad. This is so profound it must be repeated. Your cult
controls what is good or bad.
In fact, anything
anti-cult is very, very, bad. Those that try to live good lives outside
cult methods are actually very bad people, cleverly disguised.
You can't see they're bad, but the CEO knows, and tells the
cult offices regularly, in clear and obvious ways.
Some people in your cult may hear voices of the CEO or his
board members. Some may hear voices that tell them to pick up a weapon
and create holes in someone.
Some pictures, like those with a snake or a dragon in, are horribly
anti-cult. Dragons may be mentioned in the old cult manual, but your
revised version may mention a 'Cow' instead, to make it less ugly and
therefore more good.
Ugly things are bad, pretty things are good.
Fat, ugly women are bad, especially if they pick herbs and
make their own ointments. Pretty girls who do what
they're told are very good to the cult. They are welcome to dine with
cult leaders at any time. Or have pyjama parties in the cult buildings
under close cult supervision.
Murder, Rape, Torture are okay but only if performed by your cult's
board members and their deployed staff in Times of War. There are books
and documents written by the cult that say it's okay, and the manual
says it has been done before, so rest assured, your cult is good and
peaceful, except in Times of War and Alert or financial crisis.
You should not tell anyone about these things, because to say your cult
does bad things is very anti-cult and may get you Fired.
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